Every once in a while this dude @Dart_Adams does these hilarious dialogues on twitter, where he puts random ‘celebs’ on Inside The Actor’s Studio with James Lipton. Here’s a transcript from the latest episode featuring Common. I’m also gonna try to transcribe the previous episode featuring your boy Bokeem Woodbine — pure hilarity. This one is kind of long but it’s funny from start to finish.
<Transcript>
Lipton: Hello, everyone! Today I have the distinct honor to present none other than The Boney Homey From Stoney…PAUSE! Petey Wheatstrow!
Lipton: Willie Stargell, Lonnie Rashid Lynn, Common Sense but now known to the world as “COMMON”
*Enters to applause as “6th Sense” plays*
Common: Thanks for the the intro
Lipton: No doubt, no doubt…
Common: You even played “6th Sense”? What?
Lipton: Premo’s a beast!
*Laughter*
Lipton: Honestly, did you EVER think you’d be sitting here one day?
Common: I thought I had a shot when I saw Bokeem Woodbine on last month!
Lipton: I didn’t think you’d ever act. Then I saw your brilliant monotone stoic delivery next to N’Bushe Wright in “Retrospect For Life”
Common: I was directed by the brilliant Lauryn Hill in that video. *Applause* She said “Rashid, be extremely emotional”. Then she said “Ehh”
Lipton: Your first acting experiences all came via the UPN network didn’t they?
Common: Yeah, BET said that I was too intelligent for them
Lipton: You first appeared as a spoken word performer/poet named Omar on an episode of “Girlfriends”, didn’t you? *Applause*
Common: Yessir!
Lipton: Common, how were you able to focus with all those fine ass women around?
Common: As you know I was afflicted with Baduizm @ the time
Lipton: I see. So what was your next role?
Common: I played a drama teacher/acting coach on an episode of “One On One” *Raucous laughter*
Lipton: That, my friend, is HILARIOUS!
Common: *Looks @ audience* Cuz I can’t emote for SHIT!
*Laughter*
Lipton: How did you get that role?
Common: First, it was UPN. *Laughter* Second, I’m Black & famous *more laughter* Third, I knew Kanye West *even more laughter*
Lipton: Word?
Common: I had so many acting coaches quit on me that I knew exactly what they say when they’re disappointed in you so I had the part down…
Lipton: You didn’t act again for 2 years (until 2006). Why not?
Common: I wasn’t on the radar until Kanye produced “Be” & made me hot again
Lipton: Coming off of your “Be” success what was the first role you nailed down?
Common: I was bodyguard Sir Ivy in “Smoking Aces” *Cheers*
Lipton: Wait, aren’t you the lead in a NEW film alongside Queen Latifah?
Common: Oh shit, you right! That movie actually counts, doesn’t it?
Lipton: Back to “Smokin’ Aces” *Laughter* You were no longer suffering from Baduizm so you noticed A. Keys & Taraji P. Henson, didn’t you?
Common: Hell yeah, mayne! I pulled Taraji!
Lipton: You hit that?
Common: No doubt! *Lipton & Common give each other dap* *Raucous laughter*
Lipton: You developed a friendship with Jeremy Piven?
Common: I got him into clubs he couldn’t get into & he kept me from getting arrested…
Lipton: I remember him playing “Play Your Cards Right” with you on a talk show & appearing in your “Driving Me Wild” video
Common: J. PIV!
Lipton: Your next role was odd in many ways
Common: Yeah
Lipton: You played Turner Lucas, brother of Frank Lucas AKA Denzel Washington… 40 minutes ago via web
Lipton: You also played the father of Stevie Lucas AKA T.I. AKA Tip Harris
Common: True
Lipton: You’re only 8 years older than Tip Harris…
Common: Tip DOES look mad young…
Lipton: Not 18 years YOUNGER than you he doesn’t!
Common: Yeah, you right
Lipton: You had like NO lines!
Common: Yeah, I had a small role in an Academy Award nominated film
Lipton: Tip & RZA both had much bigger roles than you did, though…
Common: Yeah. I collected a check for doing next to nothing. I was like Rasheed Wallace on that set *Laughter*
Lipton: True dat. True dat…
Lipton: In “Street Kings” you were Coates. What was your role?
Common: Angry Black man with a gun.
Lipton: You were the Gunsmith in “Wanted”
Common: “Wanted” was a huge hit but people often remember I was in the film but nothing that I did or SAID in it. Funny, huh?
Lipton: NO.
Lipton: I remember you talking about a gun. Handing the kid a gun. Pointing a gun at him then an hour later getting shot with a gun. The End.
Common: I did have an inaudible conversation with Angelina Jolie…
Lipton: Moving on *Laughter* You were Collins in ‘Terminator: Salvation” 18 minutes ago via web
Lipton: What was your role in “Terminator: Salvation”?
Common: Angry Black man with a gun fighting for freedom in a post apocalyptic future 16 minutes ago via web
Lipton: Did you have any lines?
Common: Uh..”Run!”, “Duck!”, “Move!”, “Shoot!”, “Get Up!” & “That’s beautiful” when something blew up…
Lipton: You were just in “Date Night” as Collins. What was your role in THIS film?
Common: Everyone! *Audience* ANGRY BLACK MAN WITH A GUN!
Lipton: A lot of your characters only have one name. Usually a last name. Why is that?
Common: Because they’re usually one dimensional…
Lipton: Odd because folks paint you as just as “conscious” but as you said on “Make Her Say” “come over here & get on this conscious dick”
Common: PAUSE!
Lipton: No doubt. But you are so much more than a one dimensional human being!
Common: Problem is I can’t act for shit…
Lipton: That reminds me, how are things going with you & Serena?
Common: Very well Lipton: *Hands card* Tell her if shit don’t work out…
Lipton: In “Just Wright”. You are no longer playing a stereotypical angry Black man with a gun. What’s your role? Common: Basketball player
Common: I play a star basketball player for the NJ Nets *Laughter from audience* I’m an NBA All Star *more laughter* Then I get injured…
Lipton: *Silence* *Crowd murmurs*
Common: What?
Lipton: Nothing. Nothing at all. So…you & Latifah fall in love, do you?
Common: Of course
Lipton: Do you think you could be with Latifah in REAL LIFE?
Common: James, what are you getting at?
Lipton: Caught me. *Laughter* I kid…
Lipton: You had Paula Patton, Pam Grier AND Phylicia Rashad on set?
Common: Yep!
Lipton: Dayum!
Lipton: How corny is Dwight Howard, Common?
Common: That dude was always smilin’ & dancin’ & wearing Ed Hardy. Shit was so annoying!
Lipton: Like “Universal Mind Control”
Common: Huh?
Lipton: Nice Zune commercial with Bambataa by the way…
Common: Pharrell did one, too!
Lipton: He did Microsoft ads but he USES MACS!
Lipton: Got any more movies coming up?
Common: Nah. I got turned down for Green Lantern. Twice.
Lipton: AUDIENCE QUESTION TIME! You!…
Girl from audience: Breakdance!
Common: I dunno…
Lipton: Get yo ass up & do some windmills, Common!
*Common starts B-Boying to music*
Lipton: Anymore audience questions for Common?
@nerditry: Hi James, Common. I’m an actor. How did you make the idea disappearing into roles a negative?
Common: Well, since I can’t emote in any way, shape or form other than “I want you dead” “Oh no, I’m gonna die” it”s EASY! Next?
@DocZeus: While you were plaing Stephon Marbury in “Just Wright” were you offered any “truck parties” with any of the film’s PAs?
*Laughter*
Common: I wasn’t playing Stephon Marbury during his Nets years, fam. McKnight PASSED the ball. To answer the question, YES.
@Prov_Sez: Hi Com, loved LWFC. 2 questions: Who is your agent and who keeps hiring you because I need an agent like that. Thanks.
Common: I am represented by some powerful & influential people that are in NO WAY affiliated with the Illuminati. Next question?
@qwimby: How has the “I got my SAG card, baby I’m an actor” line worked for u with these Hollywood groupi…i mean actresses?
Common: Usually all I gotta say is “Hi” *Laughter* But it worked on Taraji & Serena. That & “I know Kanye” or singing Drake songs
@notrivia: Common, I’m a production major and I was wondering how, when lighting, P.A.’s avoid blinding people with your shiny ass head.
Common: *Laughter* I use all kinds of makeups & bases on my head but like my boys Wyclef & Pras said “You can’t stop the shinin’”
Girl in audience: Will you make a sequel to one of your classic LP’s like the other rappers do?
Common: I don’t have to. I got a SAG card!
@allancole: Common, can u explain the meaning behind the line: “Thickada, Thickada, ThickThickada” at the end of “The Light”?
Common: I was in the vocal booth & Erykah Badu was in the control room. She dropped a pen & picked it up. The rest is history!
@notrivia: I’m an acting major. I just performed in a play as someone with a stuffed nose, and your voice was a big inspiration.
Common: I appreciate that. Although Tariq, y’all may know him as Black Thought said he’s gonna take all my roles like Zoe Saldana
DocZeus: Hey, Com! Its your Pops! Why haven’t you let me rant unintelligibly at the end of your movies yet?
Common: Pops, they don’t even want ME talking in my OWN movies! Next?
Girl: Will you be narrating anyone else albums?
Common: Mine!
James Lipton: Give it up for Common!
*Standing ovation*
James Lipton: Next month we welcome Nick Cannon!
Comments
WHOA WHOA.. THAT NEVER HAPPENED???
TELL ME THAT WAS REAL..
AND TELL ME BOKEEM WAS ON “INSIDE THE ACTORS STUDIO
AND TELL ME NICK CANNON WILL BE ON !!!!
HILARIOUS!!!!!
HAHA, I wish it was real!
this is GD hilarious n genious!! I’m so sick of rappers taking actor roles then you got black actors doing b movies or worse, made for bet movies to keep the lights on.
LOL. Yeah exactly…
Wait ’till I post the Bokeem Woodbine episode. WAYYY FUNNIER…LOL